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The only unmarried bridesmaid.

Blindly, I reached into my beach bag for lipstick, but instead forcefully rubbed my fingers across my Venus 4 blade razor that I thought I had lost months before. Tetanus was a secondary thought, as my throbbing fingers dripped bright red blood. The best of Machel and Calypso Rose rocked our glass bottom boat. A group of White and Asian Brits held on to the railing twerking. Someone cracked me a slightly warm Stag, and I thought, “Fuck, I’m Alive”.

My best friend, who I have known since I was seven years old, got married this month! Thankfully I like her new husband very much. I would hate if we (yes we) married someone lame or obnoxious or lame and obnoxious. But William is fab. So being Maid of Honour was truly an honour, and being MC was not an Mudda c– haha! That was such a  Dad joke, I’m sorry. The wedding brought in people from the UK, Australia, India, New York, Canada and more. Needless to say, the dance floor was a sight to behold. I’m not a major fan of weddings, but this particular event made my heart sing. I’m definitely going through some life stuff, and I do spot 11.11 on the clock quite regularly these days, so perhaps I am just extra sensitive. To see so many people come out to celebrate wholeheartedly, reveling in the union of two wonderful and genuine souls- well it was a magical and eventful night.

As the wedding was approaching, I braced myself for all the questions about my break up earlier this year (oh yeah, my ex was in attendance). I would be the only unmarried/unengaged woman in attendance, far less what felt like being the only single person on the planet. My younger sister also got married this year, leaving me the unwed 30 year old older sister. This really bothers people. It’s odd. So many times I get asked about how I feel that she got married before me. Honestly? ECSTATIC! I thought it would take the attention off me for a good while. Can’t wait for them to have children! Weddings fuel invasive conversations about people’s personal lives, and I was prepared to be the target of much interrogation. This was an overwhelming thought for weeks. I pictured myself on the dance floor with my Dad, imitating Travolta’s “Staying Alive” moves. Big host, in a bright bridesmaid dress, with no date. I don’t know why I cared so much. It’s not like I actually want a boyfriend or a husband right now. I’m pretty content with the current do-over of my 20’s. But the anxiety was real. And really unnecessary.

Never the bride, always the bachelor party.

 

I found someone to dance with.

 

I’m guessing there are many women like me (I know there are actually. We chat all the time.) who are concerned about if they will ever find love again. I see people pushing strollers and all I can think is “How could you purposely let someone impregnate you?” Like, how can you trust someone to be bound to them forever? Scares me shitless. But if there is one thing I learned from the #Ramlinson2017 wedding, it is that there are so many full life experiences happening around us, and we’re missing out on living them when we zone in on just this one thing. Life can be found in the most unlikely places, and while milestones like marriage and children are worth celebrating, so are moments like catching the sunset on a party boat, and having friends you can call at any time to confess your sins without judgment. While every date you go on might not end up down the aisle, there are so many treasures to be found in meeting new people. I have learned about detachment and self love from a 24 year old Rapper. I’ve learned about gentleness and kindness from a DJ, and been shot up with creative vision and fearlessness by a 20 year old model. I’ve learned to say “Yes” more and to never turn down an adventure, or a meal (or a drink). I’m truly living for the first time it feels like, though I’m single as a red dollar bill.

I cut my finger on the boat, in the middle of what felt like a movie scene. The vibrant blood was a signal to me that this was life. We went to Tobago, guzzled beer and rum punch, kissed underwater at the Nylon Pool, swam over the coral graveyard, climbed up onto every surface of the vessel, wining and twerking to the best of our abilities. We ate on No Man’s Land, simmered in the water while the sky pinkened. The bride sailed us along the mangroves with the sunset wrapping around us. We ate mountains of pizza and never cared to suck in. We played drinking games, stayed up late (well some us of did) and had breakfast on the patio with the view of the rolling waves not too far off. In Trinidad we stood in line at the side of the road waiting on aloo pies to fry in a trailer. We drank coconuts straight out of the fruit and scooped jelly with spoons swiped off the husk. The next weekend was another one of my best friends’ birthday and we spent it popping bottles (and sneaking cheese sandwiches) on an evening boat ride. When I look at the lines forming under my eyes and see the grey hairs popping out from even my 1″ long undercut, I sometimes wonder if I should go the J.lo route and give up all alcohol and smoking and whatever else she does to achieve vampireness, but nah. I have lived a life of “No” and of fear. I’ve seen friends of mine die young, and even older people who passed with regrets. I’m going to jump on to this train and get off wherever it stops, because I am single and childless and it’s still okay to be happy.

All these amazing aerial shots are from Rahul

 

Trinidad xo

 

12 Comments

  1. Megz

    November 19, 2017 at 4:15 pm

    Love reading your blog and can totally relate on so many levels.

    I too am that single 30 year old who on one hand is very happy traveling and partying and making awesome memories but on the other hand still feels slightly like I’m drowning when I do that “oh so stupid Trinidadian generation” comparison. Every time I blink another friend is engaged, married or pregnant and whilst I am genuinely happy for most fo them it does make me introspective on where I am. For one I never thought I’d be the “last of my friends” which in reality I’m not but it certainly feels that way sometimes.

    Anyways this most certainly is not supposed to be a moan about my life but rather a big thank you for sharing aspects of yours and just bringing to reality that there are other women out there going through all the “feels” that I am and doing an awesome, inspiring job at it!

  2. Amy Ramoutar

    November 19, 2017 at 6:27 pm

    Love this Steph. You always remain so honest and to the point in everything you write. Admirable babe!! Fantastic work.
    “Single like a red dollar bill” hahahah and absolutely loving life! Go on girlll
    Miss you so much and cannot wait for our reunion xxxxx

  3. J

    November 19, 2017 at 7:36 pm

    My favorite post from you. Almost felt like reading a really good novel….like, I’d really pick it up if I saw it at a bookstore and I haven’t physically bought a book in years! Enjoy singledom Stephanie. It’s one of the most rewarding, self-aware, soul-searching type periods in your life that you would ever go through (and actually makes it hard for you to even want to be bae-d up again).

    • Stephanie Ramlogan

      November 19, 2017 at 11:17 pm

      Your favourite?! Wow! Thank you for all the support. Getting lots of requests to write a book! I’d love to! When the time is right xxx

  4. Gabby

    November 19, 2017 at 11:12 pm

    I always look forward to reading your blogs. I feel the same way…30, not married ,no kids but still embracing life for all that it’s worth. I’m also part of the 11:11 movement so that stood out to me in this particular blog. I definitely think you should right a book….in fact Pleaseeeee do write a book. Your perspective can inspire alot of 30 year old, single females in this country. This article was so intriguing that I wish I could read more. Btw I just looked at the clock and saw 11:11.

    • Stephanie Ramlogan

      November 19, 2017 at 11:16 pm

      Gabby, I love that you enjoy the articles! You’ve touched me with your comment. My first book is a book of poems out very soon! Then who knows what the future holds?

  5. Shannon Hutchinson

    November 19, 2017 at 11:53 pm

    Love this! It resonates with me on so many levels. Single again at 34 (divorced), no kids (gasp!).. It’s almost like my singleness, childlessness, wonderlust and freedom are threatening. I remember my first wedding after my separation.. People watched me instead of the bride during her speech. Happy? I couldn’t be happier. And even happier that I’m not ‘stuck’.. Perhaps another threatening word and concept. Because what’s better single or stuck in your 30s?
    Love your writing as always! I feel like I’m sitting having a coffee with a girlfriend and intellectual equal. I see 11:11 everywhere. Clocks, flight plans.. I don’t know much about it but I notice it more than ever now.
    We need to meet up for an actual coffee! X

    • Stephanie Ramlogan

      November 20, 2017 at 12:00 am

      There is so much to life! Coffee for sure when I get back in just over a week x

  6. Christianna

    November 22, 2017 at 8:26 am

    OMG at the 11.11. Lol I thought I was weird. Girl I love your article…im 32… not married…engaged and felt the same but at the same time loved the single life.. I guess just going with the flow and not letting ANYONE dictate my journey… Keep posting

    100% support for your Blog.

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